Have you got the new D.T.s?

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-4-39-20-pmIt used to stand for delirium tremens. But I’m re-dubbing it the Donald Trumps. Interestingly, the symptoms of the two are almost exactly the same, based on a quick Google search of the former:

Bodily symptoms include shaking, confusion, high blood pressure, fever and heavy sweating. You may also experience an increased startle reflex or a water-electrolyte imbalance, and in the case of the Donald Trumps, rapid eye movement when trying to make sense of the New York Times on your phone.

Also common is fast heart rate, physical substance dependance, tremor, anxiety, dilated pupils, insomnia, seizures or shallow breathing. Watery eyes are mostly seen in women, but can occasionally present in men as well, if exposed to enough information.

Psychological symptoms can include: increased irritability or restlessness; seeing or hearing things other people do not; and tactile hallucinations such the sensation of something of crawling on oneself. DTs usually include extremely intense feelings of “impending doom,” along with delirium or mental hallucinations, such as Russia hacking our government computers. (Oh, wait — that’s real.)

Severe anxiety and feelings of imminent death are common symptoms of the DTs, as is paranoia. Altered mental status (a.k.a. “global confusion”) and sympathetic overdrive can progress to cardiovascular collapse. As well as climate collapse.

Confusion is often noticeable to onlookers, as those with the DTs will have trouble forming simple sentences or making basic logical calculations. The DTs are characterized by the presence of altered sensorium, that is, a complete hallucination without any recognition of the real world. 


Complications can include injury from falls during seizures; and injury to self or others caused by one’s mental state. Also: superstorms, melting polar caps, and rising sea levels, possibly at Biblical proportions, but not visible to the naked eye. (Unless you live on an island . . . or near a coast.)

Prognosis: The DTs are serious and may be life-threatening. Some symptoms may last a year or more (up to four, even eight); these include emotional mood swings, feeling tired, sleeplessness, and a nonsensical urge to turn the clock back to the George W. Bush era.

Consult a doctor for medical advice. Treatments he or she may suggest are: support groups, sedation, or both. Alcoholic beverages can also be prescribed as a treatment for the DTs, but this practice is not universally supported. So go local.

The best treatment is, of course, prevention: Avoid Donald Trump. And get prompt medical attention if he makes it to January 20th. 97% of scientists are currently working on a vaccination; the other 3% don’t believe vaccinations are real.

Tell me in the comments if you’ve got any of the above symptoms, and I’ll tell you mine.

Oh, and I’ve got a description of what ails The Donald himself in this post HERE. It may help.

Good luck, troops!!

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One thought on “Have you got the new D.T.s?

  1. Pingback: “I’m Donald Trump, and I’m a love addict.” | waste management: the blog

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